So I apologize that I haven't been on here lately. Been crazy!!! I was gone for two weeks on vacation in Wisconsin. I went to visit my family for the first time in 3 years..I had a blast! It was so good to see everyone again. All the kids have gotten so big! I miss them so much! But it was a good visit! I was glad that we were able to put our differences aside and just be a family. What else is knew. Well recovery is going very well! I will be featured in a magazine as well as on a website as the transformation of the month. :) I can finally INSPIRE others to want recovery. Which is so awesome and amazing!!! I have come such a long way from where I was a few months ago. I can tell that I am truly happy now. Yes I still have my bad days, but now I have a lot more good days! Its not easy but it is so worth it. I have also decided to go back to school and finish!!!! So lots of changes in my life the past couple of months! I hope everyone is doing well!!!

I sit here wondering if my life will ever be the same again. If i will ever be truly happy or will I have to pretend the rest of my life. I close my eyes and see your face as tears fall from my sad lifeless eyes. I put on a smile, but if you look into my eyes you will see the fear and the saddness. You will see the truth but instead the smile on my face catches your eye. You look past what my eyes tell you. I wish that for one day I could go by where I don't see your face. You are like a ghost. you haunt me day and night. I can never get away from you. What do I have to do to get rid of you. When can I actually live again? Im tired of being sad all the time. Im tired of reliving the past each and everyday. Just make it all stop.

 The past two weeks I have been really struggling with my recovery. It doesn't help when we can't afford to buy food for the house. So for the past couple weeks we haven't had food in the house. But then part of me doesn't care, because it gives me an excuse to lose weight. I have only gained 5lbs since I started recovery, but I am so uncomfortable. That 5lbs to me is like a ton. When I look at myself in the mirror I get so disgusted. Each morning my girlfriend weighs herself and when she gets home she tells me that she lost another pound. That gets to me a lot, because I want that to be me. I want to be the one losing the weight not her. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this when I am trying to recovery, but part of me is wondering if recovery is for me. I guess I am just second guessing myself. Part of me wants to be thin again.